And next year, Ben will be the big senior boy of our family, aaaah! I’ll tell you how that goes when we get there. Right now he cannot stop talking about it because he wants to go on a mission! When boys in our church turn 18 they are eligible to serve missions for 2 years. Here’s a funny picture about us:
That’s what Ben thinks he wants to do. But let’s be realistic for a minute, he probably won’t be able to serve what we call a proselyting mission, which is when our boys and girls go and preach the gospel. Not to fear! We have other ways to serve in the church! He probably will be able to serve a “service mission”, where he can render all sorts of valuable service such as helping in the bishop’s storehouse (where we keep household goods and food for the poor and needy) or doing grounds keeping work around the temple.
Anyway, he is excited for his mission and cannot stop talking about it!
In our church we value service (and work ) How does that mesh with disabilities? We have tried to teach Ben all he can do despite his sometimes limited capacities and abilities. Today he is a proud priest of almost 18 who truly cherishes blessing the sacrament (granted, he does it in a booming voice, but hey, that way everyone pays attention, right!?)
Sometimes his needs have impeded our own abilities to serve. But we have found that when we look outward and wait upon the Lord, within wise reasonable limits, we are able to do even more at home.
That is the topic of my 2008 journal entry. I almost didn’t include it in this blog, but then I felt pushed to do it. So here it is. Maybe it’ll help someone realize that no matter what, no matter what the Lord asks you to do, when He is on your side, you will be successful, even if at times you do not feel like you are. Hang on tight! Sometimes it’s not so much what you do, it’s what you learn while doing it.
Special Needs and Church Callings
May 1997 to January 2008
Ever since Ben was diagnosed – no, ever since Ben started to exhibit signs of unusual behavior– holding callings has been difficult but we have done it. We have had to really work at magnifying our callings. But we have always held callings and if my memory serves me right, one of us has always been in a position of leadership at one time, if not both of us at the same time. I am not writing this to gloat or aggrandize myself, I am simply stating a fact. It has been challenging.
I am not one for mincing words and I would like to call a spade a spade. Being in a leadership position in the Church when you have a special needs child who is two, a newborn, and a three and a half year old – I was first counselor in the Young Woman presidency– was more than I bargained for. I realize that revelation and inspiration are real in our Church but I only lasted seven months under the pressure of a calling that required me to attend meetings twice a week with energetic teenage girls. I also needed to teach every Sunday, and after not sleeping well most nights, I couldn’t do that either.
How do we not feel guilty when our callings do not work out? I felt so much guilt back then... Especially since at the time I had no clue what was even wrong with my two year old! Sister Chieko N. Okazaki writes in her book Lighten Up! about accepting callings: “Maybe this isn’t your season to be an executive in an auxiliary or even a teacher who has weekly responsibilities. You shouldn’t tell the bishop how to do his calling, but share your life stage and circumstances with him.” I felt so much better after reading this counsel! This was me, to the letter, it just wasn’t my season to be in a presidency yet, maybe later.
At the time Keith was already in the Elder’s Quorum presidency, it would be enough of leadership service for this family for a while! I was called to the Homemaking board – back then it was still named thus– and that was all I could handle for a while, until I became a Relief Society teacher, a calling I enjoyed thoroughly.
Meanwhile Ben wreaked havoc in nursery – but Sister Christine Bell, the leader had had a similarly developing child of her own in years past so she knew what to do, bless her heart!– and in Sunbeams, and church became increasingly difficult to attend for us! Sacrament meeting especially was a tough hour and ten minutes; but we never thought of not attending. That is what we did, we went, endured and fulfilled our callings.
At times, I am not sure we gained much from that sort of rut we were in, but at least we didn’t stop going, because it would have been so easy to slip and fall and never return. We had made a covenant to be active Latter-Day Saints, so we would attend our meetings no matter what that meant, even if Ben’s behavior was less than perfect, we would keep going.
We wanted to believe in that promise in Mormon 9:29 that says: “See that ye are not baptized unworthily; see that ye partake not of the sacrament unworthily; but see that ye do all things in worthiness, and do it in the name of Jesus Christ, the son of the living God; and if ye do this, and endure to the end, ye will in nowise be cast out.” Partaking of the sacrament is a commandment for all baptized members so we will do so, Ben’s behavior will not keep us from renewing our covenants. Then we’d have to keep enduring, always enduring, to receive our promise of not being cast out if we are worthy.
Teaching Relief Society was my favorite calling, alas I was not to keep it... I was called to be first counselor in the Primary in November 2000. Another leadership calling, another stretch... But I absolutely loved being with my kids in the Primary and I enjoyed learning all the new Primary songs again for the program and organizing said program!
All the children were a delight, being with them was a breath of fresh air, but of course seeing all the typically developing little boys hurt my heart also. As a mother of two girls and only one boy, I would forget at times that Ben wasn’t like all the other boys. When I saw the other Primary boys, I was made painfully aware of the developmental gap between them and my Benjamin. Would he ever catch up? Would he ever be able to speak as well as them? Even function as well as they could?
Then I had to present Sharing Time with my monkey of a son hanging on me! Ah yes, that was a swell time for all involved, I felt like I had spent a whole two hours at the gym at the conclusion of that presentation... Repeat that ordeal each Sunday for a whole month? Well at least we would rotate between the presidency members, right? So I should be good for another two months before I had to perform again... Talk about a test of faith, this calling was the hardest by far that I had ever held.
I only lasted as first counselor in the Primary thirteen months; but it was a fruitful thirteen months full of Primary activities and the famed Primary program – I had never before been in charge of one, let alone one where none of my kids would be in attendance because of asthma attacks! Eventually though, Ben, and my traitor body, made it impossible for me to continue at this break-neck rhythm.
Nonetheless the Lord had interesting designs for me calling-wise: out of the frying pan into the fire! No sooner was I out of Primary that the Branch President called me into his office and had me sit in front of him. The poor man didn’t know how to break the news to me. Someone had requested my name yet again for her Young Women presidency, as first counselor. My heart sunk.
“Why do people keep thinking I am presidency material? I have so many trials already! Don’t I have enough problems?” I am not proud to say those are the unbecoming thoughts that ran through my weary mind. I stared blankly at him. He just stared back, then continued: “She said she saw your face clearly when she attended the Temple yesterday...” Then all of a sudden I knew, I just knew...
I cut him off: “I beg your pardon, President Trotter, I know who it is...” He was flabbergasted. He said, “No, I don’t think you do...” I replied; “Yes I do, it is Marianne Arritt!” He just looked at me with eyes as big as saucers. Yes, then I was right. “How did you know? Marianne just isn’t an obvious choice for Young Women president!” he said when he finally caught his breath. “I just don’t know, it came to me”, and Marianne goes to the Temple all the time with the sisters in our branch...
So she saw my face in the Temple when she was pondering who to call as counselor... Who was I to go against pure divine revelation? Plus it had come to me as such, when President Trotter was extending the call to me. So, again, as I said, out of the frying pan into the fire... First counselor in the Young women it was, from December 2001 until October 2003.
I loved it! The girls were awesome! We had really tight relationships and they felt like they all were my little sisters. So truly it wasn’t such a wild fire I had fallen into... And we had a wonderful presidency to serve with. The Spirit was very strong and I hope we did some good for the young women we had under our wings.
I just wonder why me? Why do I have to be in leadership positions when I have so much going on at home? Sometimes, even when I do and give my best, I feel guilty because I think that my best is never good enough. Is that what I need to learn, Lord? That my best has to be good enough and to just let it go?
I truly think that it is the lesson a perfectionist like me must learn.
I got a two month respite from October 2003 to December 2003 when I served as compassionate service leader – not a good match for me, I thought that people should just “tough it out”, open a can of soup or have their husband do the cooking, that's what we did!– I really learned that I needed to work on my compassion! In January 2004 I again was called in the Primary as second counselor this time.
And the monkey business with Ben started all over again! A different Primary president, an older and bigger Ben – he was eight and a half then– but it only meant more difficulties for me in attempting to carry out Sharing Time... I was released within four months, not because I or the Primary president asked, but the bishop felt that it was needed for my sanity. Thank you bishop.
Of course I felt badly. Especially when they asked me to serve as the fourteen-fifteen year olds Sunday School teacher, what a challenging age! But I have always loved working with teens, so I couldn’t say no and it wasn’t a leadership position for once...
During that same time Keith was also Young Men President, I don't know how we survived the seas of hormones we must have been swimming in simultaneously while navigating the unchartered waters of autism. What a ride it must have been!
I served as teen Sunday school teacher from April 2004 until June 2006 before I was called yet again to leadership, in the Relief Society this time. I had been the secretary before so I could do it again. Then a few months later I became the first counselor until our move to Minnesota in April 2007.
It was an immense blessing in my personal life to serve in that particular presidency and made me realize many things needed to change for me to be truly happy. I talked about that previously.
When we arrived in Minnesota– or so it seems– I was immediately called as secretary in the Relief Society here in my current ward in Plymouth, MN. Maybe the Lord felt I wasn’t done yet with Relief Society? But I hasn’t been easy and here again I haven’t felt particularly efficient.
All in all, I have spent most of my sixteen years as a member of the Church in leadership positions and I feel that I muddled through them all. The past thirteen years especially have been more of an acute challenge with Ben’s special needs. Then the past eight years brought an added measure of difficulty when my health became troublesome and created stumbling blocks that I couldn’t have foreseen. But isn't life just like that?
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