Yesterday the sun finally did
decide to come out ☼
What a glorious day it turned
out to be! Ben and I chalked in the drive way, we went to one of our 10,000
lakes and, after we returned and Ben took a bath, we even took a few senior
pictures! J We will take more as summer goes on, Ben does not love having pictures taken...
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| Pretty darn good looking boy! 18 years old, Benjamin Joseph |
When the sun shines in
Minnesota, you must absolutely not remain inside!
While we were at the lake, enjoying the calm and soaking up
all the sun rays that we could –gotta metabolize all the vitamin D that we
ingest—a couple of incidents occurred which made me ponder about parenting in
general, and parenting a child with special needs in particular…
Within an hour
of our arrival, I witnessed a grandmother lose her temper with her toddler
grandson (I’d say he was about 18 months old) because he wanted to stomp on the
castle she and his older brother were building. The baby was told to sit, away
from them, and to think about what he was doing. (Whaaat!???) I also saw a
father get angry at his son for poking at a dead fish with a stick. The child
was about six, the age when they are so fascinated by all things foreign to
them. This dad was so furious that he just took his child back to their car and
they just left… The boy was just heart broken. But I observed that the
toddler bounced back and the little boy only slightly whimpered as he walked
away with his dad.
I do not mean to stand in judgment of the adults. I do not
know them. And I have been judged enough myself. But I cannot help compare how
raising a neuro-typical child and raising a child with special needs are like
playing two different ball games at times. Kind of like softball and baseball,
if you will. Similar but different rules, a different ball, and certainly different
players… If we ever used any technique remotely similar to what I saw yesterday
with Ben, we would have had World War III on the way, complete with a second
serving of Hiroshima? No thank you. And we made enough mistakes on the way to
know that it is exactly what we get when the techniques are amiss.
Does it mean that Ben is allowed to do everything he
pleases? Well, Keith and I do not like to say no.
If at all possible, we like
to agree to his requests, except in case of relentless pestering or tantrum.
We
have also tried to remember what mental age we are operating at. Ben might be
18 chronologically, but mentally he’ll always be much, much younger. We don’t
expect behavior commensurate with his chronological age but with his
developmental age only. We also pay special attention to bedtime, nap time,
lunch and dinner, snacks: hunger and fatigue don’t mesh well with behavioral
disorders.
I suppose that is why I was so surprised by what I saw at
the lake. To me a toddler is programmed to destroy a sandcastle! Weee, what
fun! And a six year old is bound to poke a dead fish in the eye! Coolio, dad,
lookit! But the adults reacted as though the kids were misbehaving so badly,
when truly they were just acting like “normal” kids L It’s OK, no harm done… As I said, they
bounced back very well! And these little incidents helped me to realize how
different my parenting style is, and why it needs to be that way.
In the end, if Ben wants to do something that can be done reasonably
easily, we will do it. If he can do it himself, even better J If it
costs money, it will be taken under advisement. If it cuts into someone else’s
time or druthers, we try to compromise. And again, if he resorts to tantrums,
that brings it all to a screeching halt, regardless of the request.
Peace is a fragile commodity. We all long for it, we all
want it. I hope and pray you all enjoy a portion of it.
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